It’s ok to not be ok. That’s a real thing. Maybe you’ve heard people say it, however do you believe it?
It’s ok to not be ok.
I recently put a picture on Facebook of me at the gym. My shoulders looked buff and my arms muscular. I strategically cropped out the extra belly fat. I purposely angled my arms to block my man boobs. I looked great in the photo, you hear me, GREAT! I originally took the picture with the intentions of just sending it to my girlfriend, however I looked so good that i sent it to 3 of my male friends. These guys hold me accountable to working out. The agreement is everyday I go to the gym I send them a picture.
Now the crux of why I’m writing this article comes into play here. My originally intent of this particular picture was for my girlfriend, however it got sent to her, my boys, and eventually Facebook and the reason why was because of insecurity. I sent the pictures for the likes.
Over the weekend I uncovered information that feed into my suspicion that my ex-wife hide some extra martial activities. Nothings been confirmed but the suspicion and information is reliable and strong.
I honestly and sincerely thought I was ok. It’s what I had suspected for awhile anyway. One of the basis of why I couldn’t continue in the marriage was because of inappropriate actions, even if it couldn’t be called flat out cheating. I really thought I had dealt with my feelings regarding this issue. So I thought that I was ok.
During the subsequent days that followed once I received the new information I started having dreams that my current girlfriend was cheating on me. I was bothered when she mentioned the name of a guy she once had a crush on. I got jealous when she commented on a male friend’s Facebook post.
I had to admit that I wasn’t ok.
My subconscious was speaking to me and I had to pay attention.
So back to this picture. These latest events and circumstances had me feeling insecure. So the picture I took just for my girlfriend was actually taken to remind her of what she had. I wanted to make sure that she was still attracted to me. My insecurity had me thinking other men were attracting her attention. So I cropped out my belly fat, blocked my man boobs and sent her a “HEY REMEMBER ME” photo.
It worked. She loved the photo. But honestly, she loves me. This was my issue not hers. And I took it a little further and took the private photo meant just for her and shared it with my 900+ friends on Facebook, because i needed validation.
Now let me tell you why I’m winning, I knew why I was posting the picture. I actually hashtaged the picture with *insecure post*. I knew why I was doing it. I knew that I wasn’t ok.
See the problem isn’t being insecure. The concern is when we unconsciously do things because of how we feel. We have external actions based on internal issues. It’s the knowing and accepting responsibility for why you’re committing those actions that shows your growth.
It’s ok to not be ok. We all will experience that constantly. However are you willing to accept that and proceed responsibly?
Do you have a similar story? Do you have stories of things you’ve been based on insecurities? Will you be transparent and vulnerable enough to share them in this safe space?
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Written by: Q. Edmonds, Lead M.O.T.M. StoryTeller
