EmpathyMatters💕
Brene Brown says that there is a big difference between empathy and sympathy. She says, “Empathy fuels connections, Sympathy drives disconnection”. Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, says that empathy is about four things: 1. Perspective-taking 2. Staying out of judgment 3. Recognizing emotions in other people 4. Communicating that you recognize their emotions. It’s so easy for us to sit in the seat of wanting to be empathized, that we don’t focus want to empathize. With the current state of affairs, empathizing with others could go a long way. In some areas, Covid-19 has drastically increased anxiety levels. These levels have taken shape of how we conduct our every days lives – from business operations to faith-based practices and academic policy ambiguities; down to parental apprehensions. Currently, local news channels introduce the story title, “Are Masks Enough to keep us protected from the virus?” Well, given me YET ANOTHER shot of anxiety booster!! We were just was introduced with a total shift of how we socialize and interact with others, now less than 2 months later, we are questioning if it’s enough? In these situations, it seems so easy to tell people….”Well, at least…..”. It’s natural to say to the restaurant worker and mailman, “at least you have a job”. Or to the single working mom who’s working from home, “at least you get to spend more time with your child”. Brene Brown indicated that “Rarely does an empathetic response start with at least. Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” POINT: Empathy is all about connecting. In these times of uncertainty on multiple levels, it’s not advised that we come in close contact with one another – honor Social Distancing – but it is imperative that we connect – somehow someway. HOW: Waiters and Waitresses normally thrive off of tips. We’re not sitting down at their tables so we should tip the runners that bring us our food curbside. That’s a way to connect. Letter carriers and Lyft drivers are susceptible to the coronavirus, so when coming within 6 feet, wear a mask. You show your empathy and connection by caring about their safety. A great way to empathize with a Pastor is to send a donation to the church, even if you can’t go to the building right now. Because once this pandemic is over, the pastor and the building will be there ready to love and care. I was talking to Rosette Ladson, a professional counselor, and she expressed the need for empathy for “teacher moms”, those moms who are teachers by occupations. She expressed that they’re under a lot of pressure having to teach their students from home while teaching and entertaining their own child. She pointed me to Social and Emotional Health, which are developmental abilities that she monitors within her students. One of the developmental things she monitors is her students’ ability to empathize. Ms Ladson states, “A practical way to embodying empathy is feeling or understanding how someone else is feeling” – a simple approach and definition used to teach kids about empathy. We all love the feeling of being extended empathy. Now its time for us to stretch our compassion and cover others with empathy. Reflect/Feedback: What are three ways you can empathize with others?Who are three people that you can empathize with? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: Q. EdmondsM.O.T.M. StoryTeller(Inspired by Rosette Ladson, LGPC, Educator at Powell Elementary School)
Learned Behavior
“Manhood is a learned behavior” – a phrase I mutter a lot. Taking inventory of my 38 years of living, I can honestly say that I am only the man I am today because of my teachers – I give approbation to the great men who have taught me (and still teach me) how to be a man. On the other hand, there is a mask of masculinity and a false sense of manhood that’s circumventing around. But even with said, manhood is subjective. Let’s deal with some mask that men wear. Lewis Howes, the author of The Mask of Masculinity, says that there is 9 masks that men wear: 1. The Stoic Mask, 2. The Athlete Mask 3. The Material Mask 4. The Sexual Mask 5. The Aggressive Mask 6. The Joker Mask 7. The Invincible Mask 8. The Know-It-All Mask 9. The Alpha Mask The whole idea of a mask is to cover or conceal. Have you heard of the term “Never let them see you sweat”? There are men who will never let you see them sweat. They will never admit they’re nervous and definitely will never say they’re scared; because the mask of masculinity says “I have to appear one way when I’m really another. I have to cover and conceal my uncertainty just to appear poised and in control.”NEWS ALERT: There is a false sense of manhood!! Boy stop crying! Ever heard that told to a boy after he’s fallen? Man up! Ever heard that said to a male when he shows weakness or frailty? We are taught from a young age to bottle up our emotions. We are taught as men that we can’t have times of weakness or even be delicate. When – as humans – we have the human propensity and the right to be emotional, fragile, weak, and damaged. We have been conditioned to perpetuate the false sense of manhood.With that being said, I feel that manhood is subjective. For me, manhood was and continues to be defined by my biblical perspective. However, I allowed other people to shape my perspective of manhood through their lenses. One principle that’s taught is that men are to provide, and for so long I understood that to mean men are to provide solely financially. Well, what about providing love, guidance, and affection? What about providing nurture? These are all attributes that men are capable of providing. When I started taking inventory of the men in my life that I held in high regard, I noticed that they didn’t hide behind the mask. They didn’t have a false sense of manhood. They loved me, nurtured me, corrected me, and trained me. They trained by their actions. Everything I learned about how to be a man was by example. Not just by talking but by walk. I truly believe manhood is a learned behavior. Watch a man and you’ll see what he learned. What’s your definition of manhood and how could you challenge that perspective? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: Q. EdmondsM.O.T.M. StoryTeller
INFIDELITY is a DIRTY word!
Keith Battle writes in his phenomenal book, Sidechickology: WHY MEN & WOMEN CHEAT, Understanding, Avoiding, & Recovering From Infidelity. He quotes: “57% of men and 54% of women admit to committing infidelity in a relationship they had. 95% initially deny it when confronted by their mates.” Infidelity by definition is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. Esther Perel, a famed Belgian psychotherapist, said in her book, IN THE STATE OF AFFAIRS, there is no universal agreed-upon definition of what constitutes infidelity. Many assume that Infidelity is just sex. However, infidelity is whenever you are unfaithful to your partner. Whenever you are disloyal, treacherous, or insincere in your relationship, you step in the muddy puddle of infidelity. Often that mud gets tracked through your finances, quality time, intimacy, and sacredness. I committed infidelity in my former marriage. My infidelity was of the physical type. There is no excuse for infidelity, however, there are explanations. Infidelity is a choice, not a mistake. There are stories behind why people do what they do. You can tell your story and take responsibility for your actions. You can offer healing for yourself and gave space to see if the person will receive healing from you. I caused pain, and it was peril. However, what was equally devastating and unraveling, was the fact that my former partner would not admit – and refused to see – that she, herself was guilty of infidelity. Nonsexual infidelity is still infidelity. Betrayal, abandonment, and neglect are detrimental to a relationship. It muddies the union. This doesn’t absolve me of my actions. However, her denial didn’t alleviate my pain either. My current girlfriend knows about my past. She heard my story. She doesn’t let me off the hook, but she shows me immeasurable empathy. She also sets boundaries. She pushes intimacy through clear kind communication. She safeguards herself, and our relationship, by asking hard questions. This makes the gateway to emotional infidelity as narrow as the eye of a needle. Listen, once you’re dirty, you’re dirty, and becoming clean just may mean starting over again. In my eyes, it’s better to just stay clean and clear of infidelity. Ask yourself, am I disloyal or insincere in any area of my relationship? The M.O.T.M. Storytellers want to hear from you! Q. EdmondsLead M.O.T.M. StoryTeller
Breathe
I was asked to be a M.O.T.M. StoryTeller. I was all for it…until I actually had to do it! Then I freaked out!I mean sweating, hyperventilating, mind went blank, tryna’ figure out how I could fake my death to get out of it because I’m too afraid to say, “hey I changed my mind”. And no, I’m not kidding. If you know me, you know that I have a flare for the dramatics and this is quite literally something I would contemplate.However, I REFUSED to start writing anything until I had another session. It’s not like I could write anyway because my mind was as dry as the desert!I mean.. who did I think I was anyway?!I was in a full panic y’all! Like, who in the world did I think I was, saying yes to this woman for this project? This responsibility?! I write one lil’ poem in middle school and now I think I’m freaking Maya Angelou or Toni Morrison! That’s what I get for running my big mouth; talking about how much I love to write. Now someone done went and had the nerve to push me to think I could do something outside of my comfort zone. AND I had the nerve to buy into it. To believe I could. Well here I am….Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ja’Nelle. I’m super anxious and I’m pretty much winging this! So let’s see how this goes shall we!?Ps. I wrote an actual “submission”.. it’s purely where I was in the moment. See below.______________________________________________Breathe.Why in the world did I say yes?I have no idea what to write and isn’t that what writers are supposed to do?! Know what to WRITE?!Wait. Stop. Just breathe.But my style isn’t like theirs. I write weird. I write like I speak, all twangy like I’m mixing colors in my mouth. When I write I’m talking to myself, having a conversation with other versions of me. It’s safe in here. In my head. And now other people are going to come in!Breathe.This is for healing remember. This journey that you’re on. But it’s not just about you. Other people need this too. People are watching you. Oh God people are watching you!It’s okay. Breathe.This is harder than I thought. It’s getting tight in my chest. Breathe.This first step is always hard. Shaky. Weird. Scary. Chile why did you say yes?! Girl TURN BACK!!No…just breathe.You can do this. She wouldn’t have asked if she didn’t think you could do this. You got this. Take the step.Breathe.Just Start. M.O.T.M. WELLNESSMOMENT:How do you reduce or eliminate your anxiety and anxiousness right now? Here are 9 ways that have been shown to work:1. Take a deep breath.2. Accept that you’re anxious.3. Realize that your brain is playing tricks on you.4. Question your thoughts.5. Use a calming visualization.6. Be an observer — without judgment.7. Use positive self-talk.8. Focus on right now.9. Focus on meaningful activities.https://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-to-reduce-anxiety-right-here-right-now/Have you talked yourself out of doing something lately? Have you had paralysis by analysis?Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: Ja’NelleM.O.T.M StoryTeller
Therapy is KEY to Disorder
I just heard a friend of mine who recently got married say that premarital counseling was the prerequisite to even deciding if he wanted to get married. Some people think that relationship counseling is just for the married. But honestly, every relationship needs a trusted passenger in their driver seat to point out the blind spots along their journey – in this case, I am talking about therapy. Therapy is a unique treatment intended to relieve discomfort or encourage healing within a (dis)order – Disorder is simply a state of confusion. Some of us have several relationships that are in a state of confusion and may need some direction. Examine your relationships. As a daughter/son, do you feel unheard or that your feelings are dismissed by your parents? As a parent, do you feel emotionally and physically disconnected from your children? As a brother/sister, are you having trouble connecting or reconnecting with your sibling? Should I continue to inquire…. Oh, maybe you are having trust issues with a friend!? Or maybe you’re trying to decide if you should keep investing in or if you should dissolve a long time business partnership with a friend? If there is wavering unclarity in whatever type of relationship you find yourself in, therapy may just be the key. I highly advise seeking out a therapist who is trained in specific areas of your need as this is closer to your journey in finding a right fit or that passenger in your driver’s seat who can point out those blinds spots. Some of us need direction in our finances – what is your relationship with money? Some of us need clarity in our lifestyle vs a diet as we need to understand our eating habits thus being challenged to a purpose-driven way of eating. But equally important, some of us need guidance in our friendships as those blind spots will most likely be pointed out – not about them – but guess what, about YOU!! There are countless areas that we can think of where we can use a therapeutic method to bring clarity in a particular relational situation. As people, we thrive on relationships, on connections; therefore if these relationships are important to us, let’s not rule out the alternative of therapy to make sure those relationships are running as smooth. Now I’m not saying take your favorite Starbucks cashier to a therapy session, but I am saying don’t rule it out. If the relationship is that important to you and the other individual and there is a mutual investment, hey, make it happen! Are you willing to try a therapeutic approach to each relationship in your life? Will you commit to seeing a therapist to help you find the best methods? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: Q. EdmondsLead M.O.T.M. StoryTeller
Relationship Status- Not Entangled
2020… A pandemic… Killer bees… Snow in May… Racial Unrest… I got a new job and relocated to a different state. If that was not enough, I am single. Not dating, not entangled, not “it’s complicated,” super-single like a number 1 at Wendy’s. I do not know how many times I looked up to the sky and said, “God if you are coming back, just come on then!” There are many things I have been able to do alone, but I would have never imagined at 36 years old, I would be still doing life alone. Not literally alone- I mean I have friends and family -but romantically alone. No one to carry the heavy stuff, hug me close when the world is extra ugly, or just smack me on the butt when I walk pass. Life is hard, anyway you slice it! There are moments when it is hard to consume. Having to digest the pain, the loneliness, the hurt and the hard stuff, when all you want to do is look around and ask…. where is an adult when you need one? Timelines…we all have timelines, right? When we want and thought we’d achieve various milestones in our life. For me, I knew I would be married with 2 kids, pets, and a house with a white picket fence (literally) well before 30. Fact Check: We are 6 years behind schedule!! Talk about a delay…laughing out loud to keep from crying. Despite where I thought I would be, if I am honest with myself, I was nowhere near ready for all of that at the tender, inexperienced, childish age of under 30. Now let me be clear, I was not running around wild like a chicken with my head cut off. I was pretty established in my career, had already achieved my masters and for a little extra spice, had been diagnosed with a chronic illness that set boundaries and restrictions on how I approached and navigated the world. According to society’s standard, I was more than equipped to walk into my dream family life. Now if you have lived more than a few years in this life, you know society’s standards change faster than the 45th changes his story from behind the podium at the white house. So, it’s clear we can’t rely on society to provide stability or consistency of any kind. I asked all the questions every single person longing to be in a committed, loving romantic comedy-type of love. What is wrong with me? What don’t I have? Am I meant to be single forever? How is she in another relationship, when I can’t even get a text back? I learned when the face in the mirror doesn’t have the answer you have to turn to your tribe (family & friends) to show you….YOU! Until next time…. M.O.T.M WELLNESSMOMENT: Self-awareness is a form of stepping back and observing your thoughts and feelings as they unfold. It can be as simple as noticing the emotions that you feel when you spend time with certain people or the thoughts that run through your head when you feel scared about trying something new. Put simply, self-awareness is shining a light on the parts of your internal world that might otherwise get buried down, pushed aside or go unnoticed. – https://www.innermelbpsychology.com.au/self-awareness-mental-health/Did you know that self reflection helps to build emotional self-awareness? Are you willing to ask yourself the important questions to gain better understanding of your emotions, strengths, weaknesses and driving factors?Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: EricaM.O.T.M StoryTeller
Crossroads
At some point on this journey you’ll hit a mark where you are in between, in between the version of yourself you want to be and that dusty version you wish would just take a hike. At this crossroads, there is a pulling. Your soul is open and seeking. Your old self is desiring for you to come back, to indulge in those cravings and addictive habits. That version of self is so damaging. Damaging because it’s laced with temporary fixes with lasting injuries. I mean yeah, the times were great in the moment but what about the day, the months, the years after?! You’ll still battling thoughts, emotions, feelings, and actions from that version of you. The bitterness, rage, regret…the TATTOO!?. YES ….that old version comes with old crap! It might be covered in glitter but it still stinks! And it’s why you’re here now trying to process and get healing. All of the baggage you are finally unpacking should not be taken on the next leg of this journey. So now enter your new self. The self that accepts the old you but doesn’t allow it a seat at the table. But there is a catch, you have to fight for this self. But why wouldn’t you? Your new self is full of light and growth. The new you is sound and stable. It accepts its flawed yet awesome self. There is joy there. Wisdom belongs to the new you. The new you is begging you for the love of God to choose it! It’s down on bended knees asking, you to say yes. SAY YES! In this space, intentionality and clarity are center points as this crossroad – first with yourself, then with those around you. This is a time to be cautious and calculated. Slow down. Ground. Go back to the basics. So at this crossroad, in this space of openness and vulnerability which will you choose? Will you default to old comforts? Or will you fight like hell to get to the other side? WELLNESS MOMENT: The Principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Psychological problems are at least partly based on faulty or unhelpful thought patterns. Psychological problems are at least partly based on patterns of unhelpful behaviors that are learned. People that deal with psychological problems can learn better coping strategies that will relieve their symptoms and lead to happier, healthier lives. The premise behind cognitive behavioral therapy is to get people to change their thinking patterns. – www.betterhelp.com Are you thinking properly when you arrive to your crossroad? Would you like help with your thoughts? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Ja’NelleM.O.T.M StoryTeller
Still single… bought to you by the letter S and the number 1
Welcome back…glad you didn’t ghost me like most of the men I’ve dated. If you’re wondering, yes, I am still single brought to you by the letter S and the number 1. What is one to do when they have questions, they are unable to answer…you go to the tribe you entrust your life decisions and disappointments too. The ones who will hype you like a city girls track or gather your life like Iyanla Vanzant. A good friend of mine had mentioned she started going to therapy and the wonders it was doing in her life. And to be honest, I was happy for her but in the way you are happy when your homeboy tells you he’s about to drop his mixtape. She would drop these gems from her therapy sessions and I’d eat them up like free samples at Costcos on a Saturday. However, they didn’t sustain me. They were good in the moment and that was that. If I was honest, my performative, religious, traditional church mind wouldn’t let me see that God could in fact raise up people to heal, teach and enlighten me that didn’t have a minister, pastor, or bishop tied to their name. I mean, in my defense, I am a PK – preacher’s kid – and have been in church my whole life, so why couldn’t I just pray my singleness away and wait alone in my home for my Boaz like the holy rollers said….I mean, isn’t that how they found their husbands? Thank God for a tribe who isn’t with the shits and will tell you, “You are actually the reason you are single!” Talk about sparing ones feelings. After soaking up the freebies my friend shared from her therapy session, and making a pack with my sisterfriends about self-care for 2020, I l embarked on this new journey of therapy. I was stepping out on faith – literally, and sharing my darkest, deepest shames and feelings with a complete stranger and paying for it with my FSA – Flexible spending account. Made total sense to me…not. Here’s the truth, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and if I was completely honest, I could see the change in my friend…in essence, her “mixtape” was poppin, lol. So, I figured, what do I have to lose? It was clear I had no idea what I was in for. Who knew the journey would began well before my first session with Angela Harper? Getting to her… was enough to make you want to abort the whole mission. Well, I’m out of time for now, until we meet again… Can you identify your tribe? Do you have a community that holds you accountable? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: EricaM.O.T.M StoryTeller
MOVING ON FROM THE Building: The Gen-X Perspective
Stockholm syndrome is a condition in which hostages develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity. Emotional bonds may be formed, between captors and captives, during intimate time together, but these are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims.Church hurt is real and is a topic that shouldn’t be avoided. According to a study conducted by The Barna Group in 2010, out of those who avoid Christian churches, one of the driving forces behind such behavior is the painful experiences endured within the local church context. In fact, one Barna study among unchurched adults shows that nearly four out of every ten non-churchgoing Americans (37%) said they avoid churches because of negative past experiences in churches or with church people. The traumatic experiences that are unfortunately witnessed inside the four walls of our community sanctuaries range from marital/spousal affairs to molestation to religious politics. Misplaced priorities and loyalties are questioned by some as church activities outweigh the attention to home which precipitate domestic conflicts – sometimes resulting in marital divorce. These are just some of the examples that I have witnessed first hand. Speaking of first- hand: My father has been a pastor for 30+ years. I have an extensive history with the church. At one point, I was being groomed to be his successor. I also am a first-hand witness of several common responses to why one should venture into the space of church-going, even if their past experiences have been unfavorable. Some being (1) “There is no perfect church” and (2) “The church is a hospital”. Being that the aforementioned is true, I have to step into the space of those who may become victim – intentionally or unintentionally – to the repetitive and/or rehearsed traumas that are present. Consequentially, one should not feel guilty or be guilted if they decide to move on from church due to these unfortunate events. Let’s look at the hospital concept: We know that hospitals do not require one to stay forever; therefore once you are well, you are given instructions from a trusted and licensed medical professional for post – care, and then sent home. On the other hand, if one is presented with a medical professional who is not competent in the area of specialty and misguides the patient in pre and post care, there is a high probability of re-injuries and short/long term symptoms – leading to possible malpractice. Furthermore, some in the church can be diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. They are being held captive by the idea that they can’t move on from the church building. You should be free to worship in a healthy, pain-free, trauma-free environment. One famous writer in the bible once said “Whom the Son set free, is free indeed”! If one reads Chapter 5 of Mark in the bible, you will find that Jesus didn’t preach going to a building. He preached freedom, wellness, and free from sickness. He famously healed people outside of the church walls. This blog may strike some chords of Christian acceptance but some times you have to move on from the building and it is ok. Covid-19 has taught us that we don’t need the building to connect. It doesn’t mean you stop being a Christian. It doesn’t mean you should isolate yourself from those whom you love and whom values you share, even if they choose to go to the building. We know permanent isolation is not healthy. You can worship and fellowship and grow with one another outside the walls. Ask yourself, is there anything holding you captive? Is there anything causing you emotional or physiological harm? Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Comment below 👇🏿Books to be considered for reading:So You Don’t Want To Go To Church Anymore by Jake ColsenForgotten God by Francis Chan Written by: Q. EdmondsM.O.T.M. StoryTeller
The Substitute Parent-Teacher
I was on the phone with a good guy friend the other day. We were doing our normal check in. We often say something that we’re grateful for. I told him that I was grateful that I was able to be angry and sin not. That probably sounds like church religious jargon. I further explained that I was able to convey my feelings without yelling or saying hurtful things. I told him I communicated how I felt in a clear concise way while minding my tone. He responded “Brother, I failed in that area this week.” He went on to say He’s pretty sure that he took his frustrations out on his kids this week. He said “This virtual learning thing is hard.” That immediately had my attention because another guy friend of mine just expressed earlier that day, and honestly every day since the virtual learning started, how difficult it is to keep his kids attentive. I immediately tried to get them on the phone with one another so that they could talk and build some type of support system for each other. See, I’m middle adjacent to the whole parenting while virtual learning. I’m in the middle of it with friends as I try to be the sounding board they need. I’m there when they need to vent and say things that they don’t want people to hear and that make them sound like terrible people. I’m adjacent because I have a daughter who’s doing virtual learning. She lives with her mom. She’s seventeen. She’s pretty self sufficient. She’s preparing for college. She doesn’t need that much hands-on. However all of my friends around me have first graders and kindergarteners. They are in the midst of the struggle. They are, what I’m coining, Substitute Parent-Teachers or at best Teachers Aids. That’s what Ms Rosette Ladson, a counselor at Powell Elementary School in DC, calls them. Parents are called on to be educators and let’s admit it, most probably aren’t qualified for it. I sure know I’m not. Yes the teachers are the facilitators but the parents are being lend on heavy to actually facilitate. They are called upon to make the teachers job easy virtually. The Substitute Parent-Teacher has to set up the classroom, i.e. have a designated work space that often time requires an actual desk. The SPT (Substitute Parent-Teacher) has to make sure the student has sufficient wifi. THE SPT has to make sure the student stays engaged. They are in charge of snack time and lunch time and break time and the times when the wifi goes out and “I can’t hear the teacher time” and so on and so forth. Often times trying to manage their on careers virtually. I can’t even name half of the things that they deal with because again I’m middle adjacent. This is the time to rally together. If you are reading this PLEASE comment below. Tells us about your experience so far being a virtual Parent Teacher. Please if you have any tips, share them. The readers will see them and we’ll past them on. We’ll make it through together. We don’t have a choice……………..right?!Any ideas to pass on doing this time of virtual learning? Do you have questions that you need answered? Comment below. Let’s build a community to help out one another. Let us hear your voice, our community wants to hear from you! Written by: Q. Edmonds Lead M.O.T.M. StoryTeller
